Just Some Sunday Thoughts

  So, I know it's been a while since I wrote last, but as I'm getting ready to dive into what will most likely be a very busy Sunday afternoon, I wanted to get some thoughts out. As many of you know a year ago at this time I was bedridden waiting for surgery on October 7th. I did, however, get some amazing news on this day a year ago and that news was that my sister and her husband were bringing home Evalina today. At first I was confused, but then I thought about it and I realized what exactly my sister was saying, she was telling me that her and her husband and been chosen to adopt a beautiful little girl. Something that they had wanted and hoped for, for many, many years.

  That was amazing news, however, it was probably the only bit of amazing news that I was going to get for quite some time. As many of you know, on Friday night of 2013 Salt Lake Comic Con, I received a call saying that our home had flooded. I still powered through and finished the event, although it was hard, there were many fans, that would come up and ask me questions and as much as I tried to keep my composure I would just start crying, they would get concerned and proceed to tell me that I was being so helpful. I would tell them, that that's not why I was crying, I was crying because I found out my home had flooded and I didn't know where my daughters and I were going to go or what we were going to do. It was rough, luckily, for us, we had many friends that were willing to help us, but, we still didn't have a permanent place to go. I got home on that Sunday morning and saw just how completely demolished my home was...

  A couple weeks later, our  (my daughters and my) whole lives were packed away in an 8x12 trailer. We were homeless...as if this wasn't bad enough, a few days after having packed our lives away, and we were couch hopping (pretty much) I found myself in the Emergency Room undergoing test, after test, after test...15 hours of tests to be exact, only to find out that my gall-bladder wasn't working the way it should (yeah the gall-bladder test was the last one they did, I felt like I was an episode of HOUSE M.D.). After they scheduled my surgery I was put on bed rest, I couldn't do much but lie around, it was the worst feeling in the world, I felt like I should be doing so much more, looking for work (at the time I didn't know if I was going to continue working with Salt Lake Comic Con), looking for a place to live, being a Mommy, but I couldn't do any of those things, it was the worst feeling in the world. I had my surgery on October 7, 2013. All seemed to go well, until a couple days later (I got a job and didn't want to wait too long to start, so I had my surgery on Monday and tried to go to work on Thursday, not the best idea on the planet). That Friday, I woke up, in incredible pain, it was a mess, I won't go into details, but it was really, really bad, I couldn't even walk...I was rushed to the emergency room and immediately sent in for another 12 hours of testing, this time, they found a hematoma on my liver, from the surgery. I ended up having to stay in the hospital for another 3 days.

  Fast forward to after the 3 days, and I'm kinda, sorta starting to feel better, when all of the sudden I find out that the friends that my daughters and I were staying with, are only supposed to have people staying with them for 2 weeks at a time, we were forced to move out again, still homeless...

  We ended up being homeless for about 3 months. I got a call from my amazing Aunt and Uncle saying that they had an apartment ready for us, and I had since started a new job. Things were finally starting to look up, but not quite, we moved into our new apartment but, not being supported in anyway (child support wasn't being and still hasn't been received) I found myself having to work two jobs, I started working at an elementary school which was amazing but due to Obama care I was only allowed to work 19 hours a week, I got a second job as a chef at Red Lobster (it was fun but it was all the way down in Orem and it was a miserable drive, especially with the late hours and the snow that falls here in Winter), I couldn't stay there for long, but I still couldn't afford to provide for my daughters on 19 hours a week, so I got a job as a waitress at Wingers up here. It was helpful but still hard, Christmas at our house was very, very small. Life continued like this until March of 2014 when I got the best news I had received in many, many months, I got a call from a good friend of mine that I had met while working for 2013 Salt Lake Comic Con, asking me if I could come into the office on St. Patricks day, they may have a job for me...

  Fast forward to now, it's been over a year since that fateful day when I got a call saying my home had flooded, yet, here we are...It's amazing to see where Faith and Positive Thinking have gotten us. Yes, I admit, things are still hard, but still, not nearly as hard as they were. We overcame being homeless, we overcame Mommy (Me) being sick, we have persevered and pushed through, not to say there weren't lots of tears shed along the way, and I probably went through about 4 jobs from the time 2013 Salt Lake Comic Con ended and now, but what can you do, when you're homeless and you have no idea where you might end up in a couple of weeks.

  I am so grateful, though, to say now that things have definitely started turning around for my daughters and I. I am working full time for Salt Lake Comic Con as the Customer Experience Facilitator, I have an amazing fiance who loves my girls as much as he loves me, he really is a daddy to them and it truly is wonderful. We are looking forward to closing the door on this chapter of our lives (being homeless, being sick, going from job to job) and moving forward. It's time to start the rest of our lives, and that's what we're going to do. Things are wonderful, we have my fiance that we're getting ready to move in with and truly begin this new life, I have my career, I have my schooling, I have two beautiful little girls, my oldest started Kindergarten this year, my not quite two year old is starting to potty train. They are both so beautiful, so smart, so full of life and love. I am so grateful to have so many amazing blessings in my life.

  I guess with that said, I'll close now, as I have much to do to move forward and start this amazing new life. So, once more, I will just say, that Faith, Optimism and Gratitude are truly key things in this life, you MUST have FAITH, you MUST dare to DREAM, you MUST be OPTIMISTIC, you MUST BELIEVE, and to tie everything together you MUST be GRATEFUL for all the blessings that you do have. XOXO

The Only Thing Standing Between You and the Life of Your Dreams is You

  I am hesitant to post this, as I don't want to come across as a horrible person, but I need to get these thoughts that are invading my head out...They're not all bad, but they're also not all good.

  I yelled at my baby today...I feel wretched, thinking about it now, it's making me cry. She's only 19 months old, and I yelled at her...I don't know why I did, I was stressed, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was lost, I was lonely, I was tired...I was all these things, but none of these things were her fault. Yet, I took it out on her. Yes, she was extremely fussy, but, really, all she wanted was a bottle of warm milk, her blankie and her bed. I didn't realize it though because I was too focused on the other shit that was going through my head. 

  I will never yell at her like that again. I hate raising my voice. I will say though, that I realized after that, that I still have some serious work to do on myself. I have a lot of negative energy to clear. 

  That's why I'm writing tonight.

  Let's start here, life is really, really phenomenal. I am back with Salt Lake Comic Con, I have two amazing, little angels that I have been blessed with. I finally found my soul mate (It took me long enough) I'm dating my best friend, and that is one of the greatest feelings ever. Put these all together and life is golden. 

  Golden, yes, but also precious. Precious. So, precious. This, this is why I realize that there are still some negative energies that I need to clear out. I really, really do want to embrace this amazing life that I have been blessed with. Meaning, I want to wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I want to hug my daughters so tightly and tell them over, and over again, just how much they mean to me. I want to get up, get ready and go to work (whether I am working in the office or at home) and kick ass. Prove my worth. I want to hug, hug my soul mate, my best friend, and know that he loves me and I love him. I want to be able to trust again. 

  I realized today that, the last of the negative energy floating around in my life is only there because I'm letting it be there. Another reason, why, I feel I need to write this tonight. Today was a very thoughtful day. I was thinking about a lot of things. I was thinking about my career, my daughters, my soul mate, my family, my life, my dreams. As great as many of these things are. I was sad, I was very sad, not only was I sad, I was depressed, I was angry, I felt as though I had been beaten. Then, as I was lying down to take a nap instead of clean my house, in an act of defeat. It hit me. It hit me like a train hitting a wall. It hit me and I realized, that "The only thing standing between me and the life of my dreams, is me" I know, I've probably said that before, but sometimes, when things are rough, it's hard to remember. Though, one must remember this. If one does not, that's when they start to lose themselves. Every single person in the world goes through hard times, times when, although, they have so many wonderful blessings in their lives, they feel defeated. They want to curl up and simply say, "What's the point?" The difference between those that succeed and those that fail? The ones that succeed are the ones that can go through those times and pull themselves out and be even more grateful for all that they have been blessed with. The ones that do not succeed, or fail, are the ones that let those feelings of defeat get the best of them.

  So, now, I ask myself, do I want to be the one that lets the defeat beat me? Or, do I want to be the one that can rise above the defeat, and say, "This life is mine, and I'm going to make it the very best life possible!"? I want to be the one that can rise above. I want to Let my Light Shine. I want to be the woman, that people look up to. I want to be the role model my daughters need me to be. I want to be the career woman, that people look at and say, "She knows what she's doing. She's got her head on straight, she's determined". I want to be the wife that loves her husband unconditionally and he loves her. Together we will be a couple that demonstrates what marriage is about, it's a partnership, it's a commitment. I want to have a family that people look at and smile at.

  These are my hopes, these are my visions, my dreams. I was sent here, to this Earth, with a purpose. We all were. It's time to embrace that purpose, and simply say, THANK YOU!!! 

Knock it Out, Shape it Up!

First of all, I must apologize, I have not posted since February, and one of my New Years resolutions was to keep this up to date. What can one do though, life happens. In my case, that is exactly what's been happening, however, I must say that life is far better than it has been in a very long time. I've started working for Salt Lake Comic Con again, I have an amazing man in my life, my daughters and I love our new home, things are finally playing out the way I have always hoped they would for the three of us.

That's just an update though, as far as what's been going on over the last couple of months and why I haven't been on here much.

The real reason for this post is because as I've been pretty much immobile since Thursday May 22nd, due to a torn ligament in my foot, and then an allergy to the pain medication they gave me, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

In my thinking I have come to realize, that although life has been phenomenal and I have been so blessed, I have not been fully embracing the blessings that I have. Not that I am not grateful, but I have been more focused on the few things left that are not-so-phenomenal. I realized I needed a change. Yes, I said it again, a change. 

The thing is, life has been ridiculously busy, yet, still blissfully wonderful. With the busy-ness though, I've lost myself a little bit. Now, please don't think this is a horrible thing, it's not, it's more along the lines of keeping things in order, my health, my fitness, my home, those sort of things.

I have come up with a plan to get things back in order and fully embrace this wonderful life that is now mine. The plan is found below.

The Plan:

(Consider it a continuation of Operation: Flab to Fab) and other things.

• Eat more fresh fruits and vegetables: My plan is to strictly stick to fresh fruit, eggs and bacon and pure black coffee or green tea for breakfast. Snacking will be limited to fresh vegetables and hummus and/or fruit.
• Exercise daily: Although I may have a gimpy leg (let's be honest, even after the torn ligament is healed, I still will have some pain every once in a while due to the newly found cysts in my leg)I will not let this hold me down, I may not be able to do all the things that other people do, but I will still be able to do some sort of cardio and strength training and will do so every single day.
• Get a restful nights sleep: The importance of this can not be stressed enough, it really, really can't. The goal with Knock it Out, Shape it Up, is to be in bed no later than 11 p.m. during the week and no later than 1 a.m. on the weekends depending on the situation.
• Meditate: Meditation daily, is probably one of the best things that we can do for our minds, our bodies and our souls. I never really understood the value of meditation, until I stopped doing it for a while, and I found myself, highly depressed, and vulnerable to every negative thought that popped into my mind. It's not a good thing, and it's not a good feeling.
• Eat Regular Meals: Meaning, this habit of not eating all day, until I get to the point of almost blacking out due to my blood sugar dropping has got to come to an end. Many people think, that not eating is an effective way of losing weight, but I'm here to tell you it's not, neither is extreme dieting. It's the same as I've always said the best way to Shape it Up, is to eat healthy, all the time. Cut back on the processed junk that so many people have grown accustomed to, and stick to more "real food". "Real Food"? Food that either doesn't have an ingredients label or food that has ingredients that you can read and understand.
• Embrace my natural beauty: I've long since, worn foundation, I've got to the point where I really only ever wear eyeliner, mascara, blush or bronzer, and lip gloss. However, I find myself, still, looking at and comparing myself to other girls. This is not okay, I dream of the day that we can all just accept each other for who we are, and not constantly compare ourselves. It's not an okay thing to do.
• Embrace me: This perhaps is one of the very most,important things ever. I am unique, I am amazing. The other day as I was taking a bath and meditating the thought that kept popping into my head was: "Today, you are you, that is truer than true, there is no one else in this world that is youer than you". Thanks Dr. Seuss. This to me was a sign, that I really need to embrace me and all that I embody. I am a mommy, I'm a hard worker, I spread light, I love my daughters, I'm a geek. I have so much GOOD going for me, why not embrace it and just take it for everything that it's worth. I mean, there really is no one else in the world that is me, I am so blessed to be who I am. I love who I am, yes gimpy leg and all.

So there you have it, that's the start of the plan at least as I begin, and start going through it, I am sure I will be posting some updates, but as of now...I will end the plan here.

The truth is, I am so in love with my life right now, I'm going to embrace it, I'm going to embrace every bit of it. I will take the remainder of my life and make it everything I have always wanted and dreamt of for my daughters and I. So, with that, enough typing...for now, let's get this done. Time to "Knock it Out, Shape it Up!"

Let It Out, Let It Go...

   The past couple of days I have felt wretched, physically, emotionally, spiritually...I need to figure out why, so I apologize in advance that this particular post may be a bunch of randomness, that may or may not make sense, but I feel as though in order to truly overcome things, and find who I want to be, who I am, I need to just get it all out...so...*deep breath*...here goes...

   I guess the first thing is this confession: I have made some bad choices, I have done some things that I'm not proud of...however seeing as I'm not a time traveler I can't go back and relive these moments and change how I handle them. The only thing I can do is say you know what, it wasn't a good choice but I made it anyway and I experienced the consequences, the only thing I can do now is make a promise to myself that I will not let another moment like this happen again...Let it Out, Let it Go.

   I've had some VERY rough times in my life...I was raped for the first time when I was 12 years old...the first time...after it happened I couldn't tell anyone about it. I was afraid of what they would think what they would say, I was afraid they would blame me for what happened, so I kept it in, I kept to myself, I started hiding out in my bedroom, I didn't want to talk to anyone but my friends, I didn't want my family to see that something was bothering me, so I tried to stay away from them as much as possible, and that's when the mask started forming. I couldn't be me, because I was so focused on not letting anyone know what had happened. From that point on things just got worse and worse. I felt as though I wasn't worth anything. That I would never be worth anything. That's when I started to give up...I started not caring, so I became quite risque and continued to be this way for MANY years. I didn't want to be this way but anytime I found someone that I thought I meant more to, it would turn out I didn't, they just wanted me because they thought I was easy, however they all told me I was beautiful, so I just figured, well if I can't connect with someone spiritually and intellectually at least I've got blonde hair and big boobs going for me, so I started to draw attention to those things, hey if I can't get the attention I want spiritually and intellectually I may as well get it sexually. So that's what I did, that's who I became...I look back now and hate that part of my life. However, it's time to say you know what, it happened and again, I can't go back in time and change that part of my life so...Let it Out and then, Let it Go.

   Self-Hate, after being that girl that I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I hated myself, I hated that girl so much. I thought I could never be anything more...admittedly, I still wonder if I'll ever find someone who actually sees ME, sees who I AM, sees me for the WOMAN that I am and not a piece of ass...However...unfortunately, before I can find someone who sees me as those things I have to see them for myself (and this is why I'm finally breaking free of these chains I've wrapped around myself and getting this all out here in this post). Even now I look at my life and although there are some good moments I am not pleased with who I've been. It's wearing me down, I have so much built up inside me still, hurt, pain, regret, all combined to create as mentioned self-hate, self-defeat...Almost giving up, so many times...or worse, just continuing this life, with the negative thought of this is my life I have to just deal with it...I can't change it, I've tried multiple times and just as I feel like things are becoming great, then one small thing happens, my heart gets hurt, or I get sick, or I don't workout, or I over-eat and I beat myself up about it and things just continue to go down hill from there. It's in those moments that I again get a thought in my head that I don't want to continue on this adventure but then...that's when I realize....

   That's just what this life is, an adventure. Why would you give up on an adventure when you don't know where it's going to end? Of course you'll stumble, of course you'll have hard times, of course there'll be moments when you come to a cliff and the only option is to jump or give up and go back. But if you don't jump and you go back how will you ever know where this adventure is taking you? If you're always looking backwards how are you going to be able to see what's up ahead? Sometimes you just have to make that jump, take that leap and see what happens, the most beautiful place in the world could be just on the other side of that leap, but you'll never know if you don't just take it. At this point as mentioned, you've got two choices: Take the leap, make the jump or go back.

   I'm taking the leap, I'm making that jump. I'm sick of feeling lousy all the time, I'm sick of feeling as though I'm only ever going to be the super awesome friend or the super hot blonde with big boobs, I've got so much more to offer, and I just need to embrace it. I know where I've been and I don't want to go back, I don't know where I'm going, but surely it's got to be better than where I've been. So, here we go...I've Let it Out, and I'm Letting it Go...

   "I'm never going back, the past is in the past! Let it Go! Let it Go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn! Let it Go! Let it Go! That perfect girl is gone. Here I stand, in the light of Day!"

   If those words, don't mean as much to you as they do to me, just watch this video, listen to the song, this is exactly how I feel right now! So here you go:

Idina Menzel, Disney's Frozen, "Let it Go!"

Operation: Flab to Fab!

Operation: Flab to Fab! 
The Mission: Not to lose weight, but to live a healthier, better life.

Okay, so a lot of people are saying, "You look great!" "If I looked as good as you..."Which is very sweet of them but the truth is this Mommy has let herself slip away with the stress of working two jobs, going to school, keeping a clean house, and being the Mommy she wants to be. I know I'm not fat, or large but I feel like crap and that's where the change needs to be made, if you don't feel good inside, then you won't look good outside, and if you don't look good outside then you lose your confidence. So that's what I've come to realize, I need to get my confidence back, I need to take action and make the changes that I need to make in order to feel better about myself, because the truth is, how can one be loved and give love in return if one doesn't love one's self? They can't, it's the truth, it may not be what you want to hear (I know I didn't want to) but it needs to be said. So there you have it, however I know that there's more to me and who I am and that's what I need to find, and how am I going to find that? By, getting healthy again, by centering myself again, by being confident in who I am and where I want to go. So...how are these things going to happen? Well, read on and you will find out...

Body: 
Please do not mistake my desire to be fit and healthy with a desire to be stick skinny, that's gross and wrong and frankly pretty damn unhealthy. However, to be fit and healthy is a completely different thing. The things that I am going to be working on that you are welcome to join me are: 1) Eating clean foods, I personally try to stick to the Paleo diet but that's a tough one (even for me) so if I can't do completely paleo then the stuff that's not paleo will be gluten free (why gluten free? because think of the word itself GLU(E)ten, if you ask me that sounds like something our bodies just don't need), but if being Paleo and Gluten Free isn't for you, then I challenge you to just eat clean. Clean eating, just for a little bit, try to rid your meals of overly processed "food" (can we even call it food considering all the chemicals and shit that's put into it these days? In my opinion no) and see how you feel. "Clean" eating doesn't necessarily have to be Organic (though if you can afford it, it's much better) but simply eating more fruits and vegetables, more stuff that's not over processed. I challenge you to look at the ingredients on whatever pre-packaged foods your considering buying and if you can't pronounce all the words in the ingredients list or you can but you have no idea what the hell a certain thing is, put it back, don't buy it. Another thing? STOP with the HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!!! They put it in everything!!! EVERYTHING, so be careful and stay away from it. If you're having trouble finding ways to stick with a healthy eating plan (NOT DIET, EATING PLAN) let me know and be sure to follow this blog as I'll be posting more of my culinary creations more regularly so if you don't know what to make that allows you to have a delicious, satisfying meal, that's still sticking to a healthy way of life you can get some inspiration.
Now, onto the other part of being healthy, let's all make a goal to do at least 30 minutes a day of some form of exercise, even if it's just something as simple as going for a walk, or doing your own combination of squats, push-ups, crunches, etc...etc...out of the comfort of your own home. If you have a gym membership, USE IT. I'm so grateful for mine and I am also SO grateful that my local Golds Gym offers child care (I bet yours does too) that way I have no excuse to NOT go to they gym, because I can just take the other two whovians with me, they get to play and interact with other kids and I can still get a workout, talk about a win!! :) 

Mind: 
Going to school, furthering your education is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, it may be overwhelming but it's totally worth it. If you want to go to school but don't know what you want to major in, just do a Google search for things that you're interested in and then find out what jobs are associated with those things and then check out a variety of schools to find one that offers you the program you need. If you don't want to do that, I challenge you to just do research anyway on things that you want to know more about, educate yourself at home and at the library. One of my favorite things to do is go to the library and just look in the library index for topics that I'm interested in and then I'll check out random books that intrigue me, it's a lot of fun and I learn a lot. There are so many resources available to learn whatever it is you want to learn! so just go out there and look, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Soul:
This is a big one for me. I have found that when I meditate regularly it makes a world of difference. Even if it's just for 10 minutes a day, or in the tub a few times a week. The thing is, with so much going on around us and in our everyday lives it's easy to lose sight of what's really important to us and what we really want. But through meditating you can tune out the world around you and just focus on you and your thoughts. It helps when you're stressed, it helps when you're overwhelmed, it just helps!! I promise you, give it a try and see what you think.

In Conclusion: 
Other things that I'm going to be doing while on this journey to finding myself and living the best life possible, I'm going to be using essential oils to help with everything, I've only just started playing around with them but already I've seen a huge difference and I'm excited to learn more about them. Another thing, is I'm going to be taking Biotin daily and using growth and deep conditioning treatments on my hair. I'm also going to use a lot of the It Works! supplements to help support me and my healthier way of life. I'm going to be transitioning a lot of my daily products (diaper rash cream, cleaning products...etc...) with the Mommy's Club brand products so I can detoxify our home as well as our lives. There's so much more that I'm going to do, however at this time, my two small whovians are calling for me, so I'm going to close with this. Please if you're even a little bit interested in what I'm doing and what you can do let me know. I want to help! I promise it'll be worth it!!!

Almost Completely Paleo Spaghetti Squash Pizza Casserole (Broadway Chef Creation the Third)

Don't hate on the plating design but my word this is delicious! And yes the few sprinkles of cheese I put on top and the few slices of pepperoni are not quite #paleo but the majority of the recipe is! SO good.

Post Script: Admittedly I can't take full credit for this piece of culinary genius, a good friend of mine sent me the link to something very similar that got me thinking, so I took the basic idea and made it my own here's what I did:

The Recipe (as usual all organic):

Spaghetti Squash Fully Cooked
Tomato Sauce
Ground Pork Sausage (note: you have to be careful when picking out ground sausage because often times there's a lot of added crap the one I used that did not have any of the said added crap was Farmland Mild Pork Sausage)
Garlic Granules
Real Salt
Onion Granules
Tomatoes
The tiniest bit of cheese
and Just a few slices of Pepperoni (these last two ingredients were used minimally just enough to give it a more pizza-y taste)

What to do:
I just stabbed the crap out of the spaghetti squash and cooked it in the microwave for about 15 minutes (a lot quicker than baking it for 30-40 minutes), while the squash was cooking I cooked up the ground pork sausage in a skillet, then added the tomato sauce, onion, real salt and garlic. I let this simmer for a few whilst I cut the ends off the spaghetti squash, cleaned out the seeds and used a fork to scrape out the flesh. I put a layer of spaghetti squash on the bottom of the casserole dish, put a layer of the sausage and tomato sauce, then I put another layer of spaghetti squash and topped it off with the rest of the sausage and sauce mixture. I then topped this with the tiniest bit of cheese, a few pieces of pepperoni, the tomato slices and baked in the oven for 12 minutes at 350 degrees. Let cool and serve.

The verdict:
Talk about almost PaleOmNomNom!! It was fantastic, even the other two Whovians absolutely loved it! This is definitely something that's going on the menu, and honestly the added teeny bit of cheese and pepperoni was delicious but you really don't even need them to give it the delicious pizza-y taste that is has, so next time I'm not even going to worry about adding them and with them omitted this will truly be a 100% Paleo meal, that I will definitely make again and again!!!

There's Been a Change in Me

 There are times when you need to sit back and rethink things. Right now is one of these times...I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to better our lives. I'm working two jobs, started classes again today and I'm still trying to be the best mom I can be. I guess the truth is...I'm sick of feeling like crap all the time, mentally, physically, and spiritually, it's no fun and it's affecting my daughters and that I will not stand for. So, the question is what do I need to do? 

 After giving that question some thought, I'm realizing that I just need to be strong and talk to the one job and tell them that I can not work on Sundays first of all and I need to tell them that I can ONLY work 2-4 times a week but the majority of those times need to be during the week, I'd much rather work 2 or 3 long days at both jobs than keep doing this working the one job Mon-Thurs and then working the other job Thurs-Sun that's what's overwhelming, I don't have a single full day off and not only do I need that but my daughters need it as well. Plus, I don't have time to work on and pursue my dreams when I'm working so much. So, it looks as though I'm going to go talk to them tomorrow. 

 The second thing I realize is that I need to get our lifestyle back on track, I need to take the time to prepare healthy home cooked meals, because the truth is although Paleo and Gluten Free is not for everyone I notice the difference it makes in how my girls and I feel and how we take on our activities, when we don't stick to this way of life, my girls are much more whiny, crying more and are less energetic, and I'm the same way. So I'm going to stick to that too. 

 The third thing? I need to get to the gym more and if I can't make it to the gym I need to find the time to exercise at home, even if it's something as simple as hooping or doing Kinect sports or a work-out video. Along with that though, I think I'm going to start looking into Yoga to help center myself, even if it's just a few simple poses for a few minutes a day. Also, meditation is key! I haven't been meditating as much as I should and I don't feel the way I used to. I'm not as positive, I'm crying more, I'm more depressed, I'm more burnt out. 

 Finally, I need to figure out how to manage my time so that I can do all the things listed above as well as do well in all my classes, keep the house clean, and MOST importantly, spend time with my daughters! I had a heart-to-heart with Maia tonight and that's what brought this change on, she was sitting in my lap and she just started crying and I asked her what was going on, and she said, "I miss you Mommy". That was it, even now it's bringing tears to my eyes, because when your 4 year old tells you that she misses you and then when you ask her why and her response is, "Cause I don't see you anymore". That means that as much as I'm trying to be the mommy I want to be by providing my girls with the best life possible, I'm not being the Mommy they need me to be...and that needs to change, my girls are the light of my life, without them I don't know what I would do...So there you go, the change is happening and it's happening now.