I guess the first thing is this confession: I have made some bad choices, I have done some things that I'm not proud of...however seeing as I'm not a time traveler I can't go back and relive these moments and change how I handle them. The only thing I can do is say you know what, it wasn't a good choice but I made it anyway and I experienced the consequences, the only thing I can do now is make a promise to myself that I will not let another moment like this happen again...Let it Out, Let it Go.
I've had some VERY rough times in my life...I was raped for the first time when I was 12 years old...the first time...after it happened I couldn't tell anyone about it. I was afraid of what they would think what they would say, I was afraid they would blame me for what happened, so I kept it in, I kept to myself, I started hiding out in my bedroom, I didn't want to talk to anyone but my friends, I didn't want my family to see that something was bothering me, so I tried to stay away from them as much as possible, and that's when the mask started forming. I couldn't be me, because I was so focused on not letting anyone know what had happened. From that point on things just got worse and worse. I felt as though I wasn't worth anything. That I would never be worth anything. That's when I started to give up...I started not caring, so I became quite risque and continued to be this way for MANY years. I didn't want to be this way but anytime I found someone that I thought I meant more to, it would turn out I didn't, they just wanted me because they thought I was easy, however they all told me I was beautiful, so I just figured, well if I can't connect with someone spiritually and intellectually at least I've got blonde hair and big boobs going for me, so I started to draw attention to those things, hey if I can't get the attention I want spiritually and intellectually I may as well get it sexually. So that's what I did, that's who I became...I look back now and hate that part of my life. However, it's time to say you know what, it happened and again, I can't go back in time and change that part of my life so...Let it Out and then, Let it Go.
Self-Hate, after being that girl that I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I hated myself, I hated that girl so much. I thought I could never be anything more...admittedly, I still wonder if I'll ever find someone who actually sees ME, sees who I AM, sees me for the WOMAN that I am and not a piece of ass...However...unfortunately, before I can find someone who sees me as those things I have to see them for myself (and this is why I'm finally breaking free of these chains I've wrapped around myself and getting this all out here in this post). Even now I look at my life and although there are some good moments I am not pleased with who I've been. It's wearing me down, I have so much built up inside me still, hurt, pain, regret, all combined to create as mentioned self-hate, self-defeat...Almost giving up, so many times...or worse, just continuing this life, with the negative thought of this is my life I have to just deal with it...I can't change it, I've tried multiple times and just as I feel like things are becoming great, then one small thing happens, my heart gets hurt, or I get sick, or I don't workout, or I over-eat and I beat myself up about it and things just continue to go down hill from there. It's in those moments that I again get a thought in my head that I don't want to continue on this adventure but then...that's when I realize....
That's just what this life is, an adventure. Why would you give up on an adventure when you don't know where it's going to end? Of course you'll stumble, of course you'll have hard times, of course there'll be moments when you come to a cliff and the only option is to jump or give up and go back. But if you don't jump and you go back how will you ever know where this adventure is taking you? If you're always looking backwards how are you going to be able to see what's up ahead? Sometimes you just have to make that jump, take that leap and see what happens, the most beautiful place in the world could be just on the other side of that leap, but you'll never know if you don't just take it. At this point as mentioned, you've got two choices: Take the leap, make the jump or go back.
I'm taking the leap, I'm making that jump. I'm sick of feeling lousy all the time, I'm sick of feeling as though I'm only ever going to be the super awesome friend or the super hot blonde with big boobs, I've got so much more to offer, and I just need to embrace it. I know where I've been and I don't want to go back, I don't know where I'm going, but surely it's got to be better than where I've been. So, here we go...I've Let it Out, and I'm Letting it Go...
"I'm never going back, the past is in the past! Let it Go! Let it Go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn! Let it Go! Let it Go! That perfect girl is gone. Here I stand, in the light of Day!"
If those words, don't mean as much to you as they do to me, just watch this video, listen to the song, this is exactly how I feel right now! So here you go:
I think everyone has similar feelings to this in some way. I applaud you for having the courage to put it out there. You are loved!
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