I am hesitant to post this, as I don't want to come across as a horrible person, but I need to get these thoughts that are invading my head out...They're not all bad, but they're also not all good.
I yelled at my baby today...I feel wretched, thinking about it now, it's making me cry. She's only 19 months old, and I yelled at her...I don't know why I did, I was stressed, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was lost, I was lonely, I was tired...I was all these things, but none of these things were her fault. Yet, I took it out on her. Yes, she was extremely fussy, but, really, all she wanted was a bottle of warm milk, her blankie and her bed. I didn't realize it though because I was too focused on the other shit that was going through my head.
I will never yell at her like that again. I hate raising my voice. I will say though, that I realized after that, that I still have some serious work to do on myself. I have a lot of negative energy to clear.
That's why I'm writing tonight.
Let's start here, life is really, really phenomenal. I am back with Salt Lake Comic Con, I have two amazing, little angels that I have been blessed with. I finally found my soul mate (It took me long enough) I'm dating my best friend, and that is one of the greatest feelings ever. Put these all together and life is golden.
Golden, yes, but also precious. Precious. So, precious. This, this is why I realize that there are still some negative energies that I need to clear out. I really, really do want to embrace this amazing life that I have been blessed with. Meaning, I want to wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I want to hug my daughters so tightly and tell them over, and over again, just how much they mean to me. I want to get up, get ready and go to work (whether I am working in the office or at home) and kick ass. Prove my worth. I want to hug, hug my soul mate, my best friend, and know that he loves me and I love him. I want to be able to trust again.
I realized today that, the last of the negative energy floating around in my life is only there because I'm letting it be there. Another reason, why, I feel I need to write this tonight. Today was a very thoughtful day. I was thinking about a lot of things. I was thinking about my career, my daughters, my soul mate, my family, my life, my dreams. As great as many of these things are. I was sad, I was very sad, not only was I sad, I was depressed, I was angry, I felt as though I had been beaten. Then, as I was lying down to take a nap instead of clean my house, in an act of defeat. It hit me. It hit me like a train hitting a wall. It hit me and I realized, that "The only thing standing between me and the life of my dreams, is me" I know, I've probably said that before, but sometimes, when things are rough, it's hard to remember. Though, one must remember this. If one does not, that's when they start to lose themselves. Every single person in the world goes through hard times, times when, although, they have so many wonderful blessings in their lives, they feel defeated. They want to curl up and simply say, "What's the point?" The difference between those that succeed and those that fail? The ones that succeed are the ones that can go through those times and pull themselves out and be even more grateful for all that they have been blessed with. The ones that do not succeed, or fail, are the ones that let those feelings of defeat get the best of them.
So, now, I ask myself, do I want to be the one that lets the defeat beat me? Or, do I want to be the one that can rise above the defeat, and say, "This life is mine, and I'm going to make it the very best life possible!"? I want to be the one that can rise above. I want to Let my Light Shine. I want to be the woman, that people look up to. I want to be the role model my daughters need me to be. I want to be the career woman, that people look at and say, "She knows what she's doing. She's got her head on straight, she's determined". I want to be the wife that loves her husband unconditionally and he loves her. Together we will be a couple that demonstrates what marriage is about, it's a partnership, it's a commitment. I want to have a family that people look at and smile at.
These are my hopes, these are my visions, my dreams. I was sent here, to this Earth, with a purpose. We all were. It's time to embrace that purpose, and simply say, THANK YOU!!!
